Body confidence is a topic that's spoken about often and 5 years ago I had brilliant body confidence, I ate well, was a size 8, didn't have cellulite, stretch marks or a single scar anywhere I was happy healthy and loved my body.
Then in June 2012 I became unwell that's when things changed. Before I used to have this bubbly personality but my illness brought spells of anxiety and depression, my way of coping with difficult times was to seek refuge in food, I couldn't exercise, I struggled with simple tasks, I also wasn't at my crazy job that left me without food for hours all of sudden the focus wasn't on my body and looking good it was all about my heart, surgery and recovery, Then a few years later I had a baby it was a shock to see how much my body had changed I hated my body and I hated myself.
There have been entire months since this whole illness journey started were I could barely look at myself in the mirror because the reflection in the mirror was one I no longer recognised, I didn't feel sexy beautiful or attractive. I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain, a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip, one that wasn't so fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.
I would always wear a smile on my face, whilst secretly wishing I was invisible
I would always wear a smile on my face, whilst secretly wishing I was invisible
I called myself horrible names, I said I was fat, ugly, disgusting because I believed I was, I thought everyone was judging me, laughing behind my back because I got 'fat' (everyone makes fun of the fat girl don't they ? ) I know its a terrible way to to think but in my head I believed if I was thin and could squeeze into a pair of size 8 jeans it would make everything that was wrong in my life better again
For me getting a pacemaker marked a whole new chapter in my life and now I'm living a healthier lifestyle and my state of mind is better guess what, my issues with my body are still there as I slowly realised the problem wasn't just with the way my body looked but also with the way it functioned.
To me a perfect body wasn't just about having that perfect thigh gap it was one that functions to the standards I wanted it too so despite exercising and loosing weight I still have zero confidence in my body and what I mean by that is having heart problems makes my body unpredictable and when you don't have control over your body it makes you feel confident with it, Like you can't trust it so it's still incredibly difficult to love yourself (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) when your living in a body that's broken and can never be fixed, the scars may fade, times a healer it might get stronger, perhaps even healthier but It will never be whole again.
I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain,
a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip,
one that wasn't fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.
But yet despite the fact I feel broken or how sometimes its easier to curl up in a ball and feel depressed over my body because I will never be a size 8 again with a perfect thigh gap like Barbies but neither do mermaids and I'm all about mermaid life these days I still try hard to feel good about my body because despite what our bodies put us through we should all be grateful for them whatever shape, size or problems they have they keep us alive and let us experience life which is why I'm proud of my body and I'm proud of myself for choosing to enjoy life and cake instead of dieting and calorie counting for focusing on being well rather than being skinny because although my body acts like my enemy I'm still thankful for everything it does and it's took me such a long time to appreciate that. I feel like I owe my body an apology for all the horrible words I've spoken, my body has been through so much and all I could do was rail against it for it letting me down time and time again. I guess I mainly just felt abit sad and disappointed in my body for not only failing at being thin but also failing at being healthy.
Learning to love my body instead of feeling worthless because I'm not healthy has been hard, especially when we live in a world were image and perfection is everything but instead I've decided to look at what my body's been through and what it's giving me, I've grown gave birth and raised a tiny human, my hearts been burnt, prodded damaged and wired yet It still beats in spite of everything and I think that's pretty bloody awesome even with its flaws and dam cellulite.
So if your having really shitty feelings about your body then trust me I get it feeling unhappy in your own skin happens when you suffer from a chronic illness, its ok to allow yourself to have those feelings but don't let that body shaming devil sitting on your shoulder stop you from enjoying life instead take a second to celebrate your body and all the incredible things it can do most importantly take care of your body, you only get one and just be yourself.
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