As I stared at the 2 sheets of paper My eyes met the question on a score from 1 to 10 what's your pain ? as the doctor called my name I was so grateful he called when he did, it stopped me from having to circle my pain was a 10 because I wouldn't of circled that 10.
filling in a sheet to describe my pain felt physically difficult for me, I wasn't in a wheelchair or looked in agonizing pain like everyone else did that day in fact the complete opposite I was pulling a toddler on reins who point blank refused to move, how can you circle on that blank human body a scar that is tattooed on your own body? you can't even circle your heart because that blank diagram doesn't even display a heart, maybe I should circled my head instead because was I imagining that the pain was still there, what if I was just a big baby ?
Since the day I got my pacemaker removed I have suffered with pain, my cardiologist didn't know why, the pacemaker was gone yet I suffered pain everyday , he believed me and was understanding when they salty tears dripped down my face as I told him I couldn't cope with this pain anymore.
There are mornings I wake up and the pain's not there, there are time's I go to work and its gone, its during these times I question maybe I am just a big baby, but it doesn't last without fail that pain comes back and hits me like a wrecking ball taking my happiness with it and it reminds me I'm not a big baby.
Sitting in the office with the pain specialist who was now examining my scars and chest, as he grabbed a swab pushing and testing parts asking what it felt like, he confirmed something that had been mentioned before but having someone confirm it makes it suddenly become real, my nerves in my chest were permanently damaged, hearing you know your going to have this pain for the rest of your life makes it even more devastating. I didn't say anything instead I laughed it off but they words were painful, It feels like you've been giving a life sentence and at the age of 25 a very long life sentence knowing i'm going to spent the rest of my life in this pain.
As he looked at kian he asked if he was my only child, were what followed next made the whole situation even more devastating, if I do want more children they will have to be planned in advance with a plan set up for my pregnancy, and I will have to suffer the pain without medication because the medication would cause extreme abnormalities to a child.
Having more children is something I have always dreamed of, I'm a huge believer in one child is a lonely child, and growing up with a younger brother we had our fights but we were always joined at the hip, but the thought of being in pain everyday frightens me, would I cope a week let alone a whole year ? Not that another baby is on the cards anytime soon but it was in the future, yet I feel like that future I wanted is slowly getting snatched away from me.
People keep telling me I shouldn't have another child with the way my health is or that I should be grateful I have a healthy child, because some people can't have any, I'm incredibly grateful that I was giving the greatest gift of a healthy baby boy, but it's my life and my choice and why should I let my health problems stop me. I know people try and say things to help or because they care but you feel like there making a choice for you when it's not there's to make your left feeling angry because its not them that sits through every growth scan, its me, its me that has to make the hard decisions it's me that has to sit while they check the babies heart its me that lies in bed every night hoping and praying everything will be ok.
I'm trying to be positive but really I want to hide under a duvet with a huge tub of ice cream, I'm devastated all I keep thinking have I not been through enough ? Have I not had my fair share of bad luck ? Does the struggle ever end when will things be ok ? After each of the 5 heart operations I have had in the passed 3 years I always think the pain and heartache will be over but it never is.
I'm tiered of being in pain tiered of being unwell and tiered of being broken, but I do know I have to plod on with life, as us Scottish lassies would say it will be aw right hen.
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