life of the inappropriate tachy mummy: Antibiotics,infection and more sadness

It's more and more difficult to keep telling yourself you will get better, because everyday your further away from the person you once used to be, no one understands the sadness,anger and weakness you feel, but you do the frustration of battling each day for good health, and it's ok that nobody understands because why would they ? When you don't look sick and always keep your head held high with a big smile on your face.

Well I made it to exactly 15 weeks infection free, but yesterday I was put on more antibiotics as yet again I have another kidney infection, picking up infections like my heart problems has just became a part of my life, but getting infections for me isn't simple my body's always resistant to the drugs, my immune system is rubbish and my heart rate speeds up even more. I didn't even notice the infection at first because I am so used to feeling exhausted and weak it wasn't until over the weekend I started to get stomach and back pain but didn't think much of it but waking up on Monday morning my stomach felt worse and started to feel sick swallowing my anti sickness tablets I just wanted to lie in a heap and sleep, waking up on Tuesday I became worse and was in more pain, I made an emergency appointment to see the doctor were tests confirmed I had yet another infection so I was giving more antibiotics and told to come straight back if I didn't feel better, this year alone I have now had 5 different antibiotics but an infection will disappear and always come back, last year I underwent all sorts of tests because of all my infections but there was no reason to explain it all.

Again I had to cancel plans because of how bad I was feeling seeing everyone enjoying themselves and having fun just filled me with sadness and jealousy I just wanted to be out enjoying myself but instead I was in bed and feeling even more sorry for myself. Looking after kian was proving very difficult I didn't have the energy for anything and that hurts it hurts that I struggle to look after him, when he smiles it takes the sadness and hurt away for abit but not the guilt of always being to unwell to look after him properly, yeah I manage to feed him and change him and give him cuddles and love but the more physical things like carrying him around which sometimes am frightened to do especially when am sick incase I faint with no warning and hurt him or take him swimming or to classes and above all just be a mummy because all I want to do feeling like this is sleep.

Last week when my health visitor came out, even though visits should stop since Kian's over 4 months she still comes out just to see how I am feeling with having my health problems which is lovely as being so busy I am grateful for her popping out just to see how I am doing and feeling, she's decided to write to my doctor to see about getting me more help and support physically and mentally to cope with my heart and a new baby and she has suggested a place for kian to go to that is a special creche for families that have problems so,when I am too sick and physically unable to look after him, or if I end up in hospital or when I have appointment he would go there to be looked after for a couple of hours and basically give me some rest bite,she also thinks it's a good idea with my next ablation coming up so I am able to recover and not have the worry of looking after a baby, at first I said no because I don't like the thought of him being so young and having strangers looking after him but she's giving me time to have a think about it and so I could talk to dougie and is coming back out next week and if I decide to go ahead it's a process of referral forms to see how many hours I will be granted, I still haven't made my mind up as it would be a big help instead of dragging kian to all my check ups, and appointments but I can't help but feel a total failure.

My happy smiley baby boy Kian. <3

Kian is now 23 weeks and this week we started the weaning process, I had been debating about it for ages but was trying to go by the books and hold off till he was 26 weeks but after trying him with an empty spoon that he opened his mouth for and always looking at food and his weight not increasing as much as it should I decided to try him with some baby rice and fruit purée which he loved and I loved seeing the mess he got into eating it all, my little high risk baby who stopped growing has now reached over a stone and is 14lb 11oz watching him grow is just the best feeling in the world, we also had a trip to the sick kids with kian who a few weeks ago was also sick and had a temperature clearly took after me and wasn't bothered by the slightest thing the doctor did, and instead sat laughing, he also fell out his chair the other day and didn't even cry I think I got more of a fright than he did, he amazes me everyday and he's always so happy.

21 weeks old, now weighs 14lb 11oz

22 weeks old, now likes to throw things out the pram and cot always laughing and smiling.

23 weeks old, we started the weaning process and he loves his food he has tried baby rice and fruit puree's loves the sound of his own voice and more active.

I also can't thank everyone who's been supporting me and following me through my journey and love all the lovely letter's, emails and posts I get and read and try my hardest to reply to them all but with a baby can be very difficult, there's also nothing better introducing new people to the ist community were I have met and gained loads of amazing friends who know exactly what your going through.